Introduction: Vulnerability

I've been told that vulnerability is the key to growth. Maybe, that is why it has been so hard for me to accomplish throughout my life? I say this because I have never been fond of showing people my weaknesses, and to be vulnerable, you have to allow others to experience those parts of you. That— was my biggest problem because, in my eyes, I believed once you allow a person to see your weaknesses. You were basically handing over the ammunition for them to hurt you. However, if they do not know what scares, damages, or breaks you. They cannot hurt you. In other words, it was my safety blanket, protection, and a way to keep my power.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where you must constantly protect yourself. Hence, the reason why you have to sometimes portray one thing while feeling a completely different way. You cannot be too soft or trusting. You cannot just allow anyone to know exactly how you feel, think, or intend to move. I had to learn this the hard way. Sometimes it was through love, and other times, through my relationships with family and friends. For me, it was mainly through my love for a man. To be specific, I was completely vulnerable, and I allowed him to see every side of me. I shared my darkest secrets; I unloaded my pain and insecurities with men. In return, he was able to hurt me.

Yet, at the same time, I learned about healthy and unhealthy love. I also learned how much I could love someone else. Especially a man because I was connecting primarily with women. Nonetheless, I grew to love my ex more than I loved myself at times. Ultimately, our love crippled me, and it took me almost two years after our split to feel like I was okay without him. It is still challenging to reminisce about certain parts of our relationship.

Granted, I've loved before and after him, but no one has yet to come close to how I loved him. He prepared me for the outside world. Before him, I was just Brie, sensitive and naïve to my surroundings. He created Redd. She was feisty, aware, and resilient. He made me fight and gave me the harsh realities of the world while breaking down my old self in the process. Of course, I remained a good person, but ultimately, I learned firsthand how the same people who claim to love you tend to be the same people who hurt you.

Eventually, he created an emotionally distant person, so vulnerability was not an option for me after our relationship. Trusting Brianna was gone, and Redd had taken her place. I went through several different phases in my life, but now at 31 years old, I am finding my way back to Brianna. I want to be vulnerable again. I want to start taking risks and loving full-heartedly while trusting myself to choose wisely. Whether it is through my family bonds, friendships, or relationships.

My last relationship was almost eight years ago. It seems like forever, but I needed that time to find myself, heal, and conform to no one. I started dating in elementary, so I was always in a relationship. Obviously, I had some breaks here and there, but I've always had someone trying to control, revise or mold me. Now, I am wiser, balanced, and ready to gain more fruitful relationships that align with my authentic self. Versus holding onto relationships that I must constantly question or hide in.