The Dilemmas Of A Bisexual Woman!

I have always wanted to write about this topic because people do not understand how hard and confusing it is to be bisexual. Some people view it as an act of greed, but I cannot express to you enough— how hard it is to walk this road. You are constantly confused and, in a sense, never fully satisfied. Personally, it would have been a lot easier for me to only be attracted to one sex versus two. When I first came out and started dating girls. I was only 14 years old, and I just knew that I was SUPER gay and that boys were not my preference. Boy! Let me tell you, it was so much more straightforward back then. Shoot— I miss those days when it was that simple! Haha. Now, of course, previously, I had a puppy love and a few other kiddie boyfriends here and there, but I never felt as complete as I did when I started dating girls. 

Well, that was up until I was 16, and I surprisingly fell deeply in love with a 19-year-old street dude. Go figure! Haha. At first, I tried to hide it from my LGBTQIA+ friends because bisexuality, in a way, was frowned upon. So, it was not uncommon for lesbian women to refer to bisexual women as dick dykes. Needless to say, the stigmas that surrounded it made me in no rush to claim that I was bisexual. I also thought that my attraction was limited to just him. Eventually, I had no choice once I realized that was not the case. I was just not easily drawn to men.

After we finally split a few years later, I started dating my children's father, and after his shenanigans, plus my past experiences, I no longer desired to be with a man. They kept leaving this bad taste in my mouth. Maybe that is why God blessed me with two beautiful boys. It was one way to teach me that my quarrels were not with the male species itself but with the individuals. At the end of the day, we are all human beings shaped by our experiences and environments. We are also capable of doing the same things. 

However, after everything I had been through, I was yearning for an emotional connection and femininity, not masculinity, combined with a minimal emotional bond. I dated around, and then I met my ex-fiancée. Granted, our relationship was not perfect. Yet, despite our differences, I loved building and being with a woman. They have always been my primary preference, but there were times in the back of my head that I desired things from a man. Consequently, I tended to become conflicted with my sexuality throughout my life because I constantly battled this feeling of never being entirely pleased with either sex.

On the other hand, I have never experienced a healthy relationship. Therefore, the feelings that I was encountering could have resulted from not being adequately loved by either sex. I honestly was unsure, but I did realize that I owed it to myself to figure it out before I got into another relationship. Yes, I knew that most of my needs were met when I dated women, but I started to see myself being with either sex more often. Yet, in the same breath, I felt like both sexes offered me things that I needed to thrive fully in a relationship due to them not fulfilling me separately. 

That's when I started to think more about polyamorous relationships. At one point, I even brought it up to my ex-fiancée, but she was ultimately against it. Not to mention, liking men was a sensitive subject because she was a full-blown lesbian who did not want to compete with men and women. It was also not really accepted in the LGBTQIA+ community during that time. Shoot, I still encounter women who have reservations about talking to me because I am bisexual. Clearly, I have always tried to understand their position as much as I hated it. However, I still wondered what the difference is between a woman leaving you for another woman versus leaving you for a man. 

Either way, the person was leaving you. It goes the same way with cheating— either way, the person is cheating. So, does it just boil down to the fact that a woman does not want to compete or sleep behind a man? If so, I cannot knock anyone's preference, but it put me at a severe disadvantage because I liked both. Trust me, I have tried for years to pick one or the other, but I have never been able to confidently select just one. As a result, I have remained single and free to do as I please until I figure out whether I want to be with a man or a woman. 

Do I want to be monogamous or polyamory? I have been single for eight years now and celibate for five out of the eight years. Currently, I have been celibate for over two years, almost three. Obviously, I have taken sex off of the table with the hopes of making it easier to figure out precisely what I wanted without lust clouding my judgment. Of course, I have tried dabbling into polyamory while being single because it did seem perfect for me. I started by talking to different poly couples, but I have never had, nor have I ever been interested in, three sums or sleeping with multiple people at once. Maybe separately, but not at the same time.

Consequently, my attention repetitively strayed and never stayed because I preferred my connections to remain one-on-one and separate. I also do not care for multiple sex partners in general due to the high disease rates circling around. I was also never into both partners, and the poly couples that I encountered preferred for their sexual connections to be shared. So, it never fit my ideal, and it was always overwhelming for me. Overall, I felt like maybe I was not open enough to participate in the poly lifestyle, which left me even more confused. 

Now, I have come to a space in my life where I do not even overthink it anymore. I just let myself know it is okay to be unsure and confused because what is meant will be— whether it is with a man, woman, or both. Overall, when the time is right, everything I fear will be nonexistent and come naturally. Until then, I will continue to wait and blossom while accepting my bisexual nature. Because it is okay to like both, and it is okay to not know everything. At the end of the day, we can only trust God, the universe, ourselves, and the process.